Jadens Journey

So here I am on campus giving an exam and there’s really not much for me to do, except answer odd questions, so I actually have time to write.  Usually when I give an exam I bring a ton of work with me, my laptop, and anything else I need to get done in a quiet environment – but not this time – I didn’t even remember to eat dinner before I left the house, and I’m lucky I remembered to use the ladies room before class.

I guess this is all just a part of motherhood. My brain is fried – or at least it is 200% focused on someone else’s life now (that would be Jaden). Now I know why kids always think their parents are clueless – somehow after we picked up Jaden I lost my ability to ‘plan ahead’ (well – at least the little ability I had before he arrived). I am so focused on when Jaden naps, and how long he naps, and what he eats, and when he eats, and how much he eats, and when to bathe him, and…, and…, and…. of course I could go on, as anyone who has had a little one knows, I’m sure.

I never expected motherhood to be this brain-consuming. I thought I’d provide love, support, and nurturing – and viola – the perfect child. Ha ha. Okay so I didn’t think it would be THAT easy, but I didn’t expect to lose all of my brain cells as soon as I gave him his first bottle….

More about Jaden: Things are going relatively well. Things will actually be even better now that my very understanding boss has agreed to let me go on a reduced schedule until the end of the year. That is going to make a HUGE difference in our ability to bond, and gives us more time to introduce Jaden to all of the “strangers” he now has in his life. With any luck, by the time next semester rolls around, there will be no issue leaving him with a friend or other relative for a few hours twice a week while I go to work. Right now, however, that is not possible. Whenever Jaden meets anyone new, he furrows his brow, keeps his eye on the person, and decides if, when, and how he wants to be approached. If the person comes too close too soon, we have an outburst. This is to be expected – everything here is new to him, including his forever family. It will take time. This is also the time in a baby’s life in which he becomes wary of strangers – a very good thing for his protection.  On the other hand, it can make it difficult for extended family members who are having a hard time getting close.

Speaking of Jaden’s decisions: he knows what he wants and when he wants it, and he is very vocal about letting you know. It is kind of comical to watch. You can see “the look” on his face whenever he decides he wants something (or doesn’t want something), and if you figure out what it is quickly, he’ll give you a big smile. If it takes you a little while he starts to whine. If you still don’t figure it out then he stiffens up his entire body and puts an angry look on his face while he clenches his fists. After that he verbalizes in a direct and loud tone– which is not really yelling (usually), but it sounds like if he knew how to speak he’d be telling you off for not figuring out what he wants. Of course we all find this extremely charming. Maybe it’s because we love him so much. That, and that he’s just way too adorable.

About Jaden's Journey decisions, Jaden, motherhood, work

Today was the day!!! Of course I couldn’t sleep all night – I don’t know why I tried! I tossed and turned, anxious about our big day, until it was time to get up to get ready to go. When I got up I discovered grandma and grandpa did the same thing. So we were all very, very tired today.

At 9:10 a.m. we met the social worker at the children’s hospital and she took us to the foster family’s home. It was about an hour drive from where we were staying in Seoul. We met Jaden’s foster mother and foster brother, and of course, Jaden. It was a very emotionally exhausting day. We were warned by the agency that Wednesday – the day we pick Jaden up at the hopsital –  would be the day for emotions, so I’m not sure we were fully prepared for the level of emotions today.

There are new pictures posted to the “First visit” tab. Jaden is more adorable than ever! He is definitely well taken care of – he is a little roly-poly. He has such big hands and a big smile to go with them. He loves to put his feet in his mouth. He is on a very regular sleeping and eating schedule, and unfortunately we were visiting right in the middle of nap time, but he handled it like a champ. 

His foster mom gave us a hanbok, which is traditional dress for special occasions. The first birthday of a Korean child is a very special occasion, so we will dress him in his handbok for his birthday and hopefully we will have the foster family’s address to send them pictures. 

His foster brother and foster mom were very sad. It is the first time they had a foster child and they have grown very attached to Jaden. The foster mom said that she is very sad that he will be leaving but she is also happy that he will be our son. It made me so sad for them, but it really was wonderful to see how much they love him, and how well he was cared for while living with them.

The social worker spent some time asking the foster mom a ton of questions about Jaden so that she could put a report together to give us on Wednesday when we pick him up – what he is eating, how much he sleeps and when, what he likes to do, etc. We didn’t get a new weight or height yet, but we will get that on Wednesday. I have a feeling he’ll be well into 12 month clothes by now! The agency told us that “Korean babies are fed well” and we see the proof of that in Jaden’s adorable cheeks and his heart-warming smile.

After we left the foster family’s home and made our way back to the Guesthouse, we were able to go to see the children’s reception home, which is in the same building as the Guesthouse. The social worker took us in to see where the babies are cared for until they are around 4-5 months old and a foster family is identified. It is where Jaden spent the first 5 months of his life. There were so many babies – all so tiny – and all crying for their bottles and to be held. I was surprised at how many babies were in the reception home. 

After that, we went to our room and just about crashed. We later met up with my colleague who is originally from Korea, and is now spending 6 months in Korea, teaching here at a university on a grant. His hospitality was indicative of his Korean heritage. He took us to a palace in the northern section of Seoul, where the last king lived. It is close to the president’s “Blue House.” The intricate paint work on the palace was incredible. We have many pictures to share, and once we get a chance to load them in we’ll include them here.

We went to another traditional Korean restaurant for dinner – this time a popular one for the locals. We learned that kimchi is actually a generic name for fermented food and it doesn’t have to be spicy. Sometimes it is not spicy at all (which made Dad very happy)!

We are ready to crash, and they are starting a game of bananagrams which I can’t miss due to my bananagram addiction (I think I need BAA- LOL), so I’m signing off for now. I guess it is Monday morning there…..have a great week!!!

About Jaden's Journey first visit, foster family, Jaden, kimchi, Korea, Pictures

About Jaden's Journey, Everything else Jaden, photos, shower

Recently my brother-in-law was talking about how hard it is to go back to work after being off for two weeks. I feel his pain. Possibly ten times over. I haven’t taught since May 5th, when I had my last class. So I have been ‘off’ nearly 12 weeks, if you don’t count doing research (which most people don’t).

If I did not own a calendar, the knot in my stomach would tell me that I have little time left before classes begin again.  The nightmares have started.  I dream that I wake up to suddenly realize that classes start TODAY and I haven’t even completed a syllabus, no less a lesson plan for the first class. 

Generally I am prepared for classes. Neville tells me that I prepare too much. It’s not like I haven’t heard it before.  It has been the general consensus of my colleagues as well. No matter how many times I’m told that I’m doing too much, and no matter how hard I try to just do whatever is necessary to get by, I just never feel prepared enough. I tend to spend every waking minute doing ‘just one more thing’ for my classes. (Come to think of it, that’s pretty much how I run my entire life.)

This is the fate of a professor who cares too much. I care whether or not my students enjoy class and whether or not they learn something. I care whether or not they like the textbook, and how much they have to pay for it. I care whether or not they stay awake during class and whether or not they study at home. I care whether or not they do well on exams. I feel responsible, to a certain extent, for how well they perform in the class. Of course, I do realize that they have to put in the effort as well (I’m not stupid — just caring), but that is my only relief in the entire caring nightmare of my chosen career.

This has created a conflict for me: It was very difficult for me to balance my teaching duties with my dissertation research and writing. I wanted to be prepared for my classes, and preparing for class is what I default to if there’s no ‘plan.’ So I had to be careful to make a weekly schedule with enough time set aside for the dissertation, or I’d wake up on Sunday to find the week gone without a word written in my research. 

This conflict created tremendous anxiety. The guilt over spending more time than needed in one area while not getting to another area eats away at me. It is the source of my nightmares. It is a good part of the reason my stomach aches the week before classes start. 

By now you’re saying “But Luna, you’ve finished your Ph.D. – the dissertation is no longer a factor,” and you are correct. That anxiety has given way… the dissertation is finito. Yet there is a new factor now. A wonderful, amazing, lovable, anxiously anticipated factor — Jaden.

For the first time in my life I can understand why people don’t want to work. I want to stay home and spend every minute that I can with him. I don’t want to have to leave him to go teach classes. I don’t want to have to prep for teaching and go to meetings and hold office hours. I want to enjoy every waking moment with my son when he comes home. Alas, I can’t. So the anxiety is here to stay.

I seem to consistently operate at a high level of anxiety. Maybe it is just my destiny… persistent high anxiety…. or maybe, just maybe, the real estate market will turn around and our situation will change. Until then, we remain unwilling land barons, and I face the start of the semester. The happy ending to this story is that I face it with a gigantic smile on my face, knowing Jaden will be home very, very soon.

Everything else back to school, classes, Jaden, semester, teaching, vacation